Of passing years and ear wax

We arrived home last night from a weekend in North Georgia, where Jon and I attended our 15-year high school reunion. (Every five years, I am reminded how nice it is that we share our graduating class.) The showing was small, but we had fun catching up with former classmates and revisiting the campus where we met and spent a lot of happy times. It usually seems a lifetime ago, but being on campus, where so much is the same (including that awful mural our class painted in the religion room), it felt like yesterday. I badly missed someone, though. Jennifer, my best friend from those GCA days, died this past November. As I flipped through yearbooks, I paused over so many pictures of a cute, smiling blonde who also occupies so many of my memories from that place. She should have been there, flipping through those yearbooks with us. I talked about her a little, but I thought about her a lot.

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In today’s news, Lina had her first appointment with a pediatric ENT at Vanderbilt. (Actually, we were scheduled to meet with the nurse practitioner.) It was not a picnic for either of us.

You may remember that Lina failed two newborn hearing screens in the NICU. She was then referred to the audiology department at Vanderbilt for a follow-up screening that showed moderate conductive hearing loss in both ears. This means something is preventing the sound from clearly reaching the ear drums: in this case, likely a build-up of fluid. The audiologist described Lina’s hearing as sounding like she was under water. Another follow-up screen showed continued blockages in both ears, as did a repeat test today.

I’ll try to shorten our 3 1/2-hour experience to the cliff notes. We met with the nurse practitioner, who indicated we would be scheduling an appointment to place ear tubes to drain the fluid, which should significantly improve Lina’s hearing. She walked me through the relatively simple procedure, answered my many questions thoroughly, and then sent the nurse in to provide further information on follow-up care. We were then to meet briefly with the ENT himself, who would be the one to do the procedure. He was brusque and rushed, but the summary is that he was concerned about the size of Lina’s ear canals. He wanted to verify they were actually big enough to place the tubes. He was not able to see to the ear drum due to a build-up of wax. Thus commenced a thoroughly unpleasant experience in which he used a metal tool and then a suction device to remove wax from a strapped-down, wailing Lina’s ears while the nurse held her head still and I wiped her tears (and struggled to hold myself together).

The final verdict is that Lina’s ear canals are definitely too small for tubes. Her canals will grow with time, so we will go back in August for a re-check. In the meantime, we have been referred back to the audiology department for a bone anchored hearing aid. In adults, an implant would be attached to the skull bone, but in Lina’s case, they will use a headband to hold the device in place. I have more learning to do about this – an informational DVD is awaiting my attention – but the gist is that this aid will help bypass the blocked canals to improve Lina’s hearing at a time critical to speech development.

It was a tough day. I am feeling better tonight, as I’ve had time to process and recover from the trauma of the afternoon. We know Lina’s diagnosis of Down syndrome will mean a series of challenges to be faced in their time. This is today’s. We will do whatever is necessary to give her the best chance of hearing and learning speech.

A few bright spots of the day: Corin was so, so well behaved through that entire appointment, brandishing his new toy stethoscope in the real doctor’s office. And all the office staff thought Lina was so cute. Because, let’s face it, she is.

That sweet face – 6 months

Wednesday was Lina’s half birthday.

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Eline at 6 months:

  • Weighs close to 14 pounds
  • Easily rolls back and forth to stomach and back, gets her knees up in a crawling motion, bears weight on her feet and sits for longer periods with support
  • Generally loves to be held, cuddled, talked to and played with and will usually give big smiles for activities like bicycle legs, clapping hands, being lifted up in the “flying baby” position, or being pulled by her hands to standing
  • Enjoys her play mat or bouncy seat for periods of time
  • Has started paying a lot more attention to big brother and will follow him around the room with her eyes and will crane towards his (usually noisy) location
  • Can hold lightweight toys for increasing periods and manipulate them with a little more precision
  • Gets 5 oz. (occasionally 5 1/2) of formula/breast milk five times a day – generally about 4 hours apart – but quality of feedings is inconsistent, and she is easily distracted by her environment
  •  Has had an inconsistent daytime routine but seems to possibly be settling down to two naps in her crib at around 10 a.m. and 1:30 p.m., with the afternoon nap being quite a bit longer
  • Goes to bed for the night around 6:30 or 7 p.m. and sleeps 11 – 12 hours with one or two “dream feedings” in the evening (also tends to wake around 5:30 a.m. and chatter a bit before going back to sleep)
  • Starts the night in her crib but still goes in the cradle in our room when we go to bed
  • Is struggling with constipation issues, which I understand are pretty common with Down syndrome
  • Has hated her baths, but these tips have helped a great deal: less water in the tub, and a warm, wet hand towel draped over her torso to provide a sense of security
  • Wears 3-6 month clothes and size 1 shoes for her teeny, tiny feet

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Half a year with our little girl… I am frequently startled by how quickly the time is going. Jon likes to tell people Lina is a constant source of pride, and it’s true. She is healthy and doing so well, and her smiles light up our lives. We feel incredibly blessed.

A friend recently posted a link to this video, and I have taken the message to heart. Lina has done so well, and we are so pleased to have not yet faced any real delays in her development. But I realized that often, rather that simply living that gratitude and joy, I am at the same time steeling myself against future challenges. I don’t want to live life with Lina that way. I don’t want to live LIFE that way. Jesus asked, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” I’ve been making a conscious effort to let go of worry for the future. Who knows what tomorrow holds, for Lina or for any of us? She is beautiful and smells of sweet baby. She has perfectly chubby rolls and fuzzy blonde hair, a sweet, happy voice and is learning and growing every day. I am content.

Facing the ugly

I recently connected with a local group of fellow Down syndrome moms on Facebook. I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions, but it is a goal of mine for the coming year to begin building a support network of parents of children with special needs. I know it’s going to become increasingly valuable to have that shared experience and to be able to talk to parents who understand and can offer information and advice as we navigate Lina’s growing up years.

It has taken me a little time to work up to this fairly obvious idea. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to be a part of the special needs community, but more that I was afraid of being overwhelmed and discouraged by older children facing challenges we weren’t prepared to think about yet. This may still be something I have to guard against. It seems to be important, at least for now, to focus primarily on the immediate future and not get too far ahead of myself. I will occasionally run across a mention somewhere of a potential Down syndrome issue I wasn’t aware of, and it never fails to give my heart a little jolt: “Oh. Something else to worry about.” For a moment, my reaction feels like those childhood days when I would close my eyes and cover my ears to shut out something unpleasant. The feeling passes, and I move on. But I don’t care to expose myself to too much of that too quickly.

It has been a growing realization for me over the past four months that I am not raising any Down syndrome child. I am raising my child, who happens to have Down syndrome. Somehow, that makes a big difference. Understanding challenges common with Down syndrome is helpful, to a point. I just don’t want to worry too much about issues we may or may not face in the years to come. (Confession: I still haven’t read through those “about Down syndrome” books.) I know challenges will come, but Lina will be unique, as is every child. And when they do come, we will have good resources to help and will work with all our strength to overcome them. It’s that knowledge that helps me move on from those unpleasant bits of information and has helped me feel ready to look for ways to get involved in the special needs community. And I probably will pick up those Down syndrome books some, too, at least as a reference when needed.

But to get back to the moms’ Facebook group… One of the members recently posted a link to this video, from Houston, Texas: Waiter stands up for special needs child

I know I’m still rather naive about these sorts of things. Lina is small enough that her diagnosis is not immediately evident to strangers. And in her short few months of life, we have been insulated and surrounded by people who love us and love her and have helped us believe the world will be a safe place for her. It gives me a whole different kind of jolt to realize there are actually families out there who would say something so baldy hateful, so terribly ugly, as “Special needs children need to be special somewhere else.” I understand people who are generally uninformed about Down syndrome and who may say things that are unintentionally hurtful. I can cut them some slack and hopefully help broaden their views a bit, just by coming in contact with my sweet girl. (Not that I won’t still feel a bit defensive and angry.) But I do not understand the kind of willful ignorance and prejudice that would cause parents to say something like that, apparently in front of their children. But thank God, that story is really a hopeful one, where the instinct of the waiter, and apparently of many other people, is to soundly reject that sentiment and to embrace the little boy and his family. I don’t know if we’ll ever find ourselves in a situation like that. We may. It would hurt me deeply, and I might have a very hard time turning my cheek in biblical fashion. I look at my little girl, and I see someone so beautiful, so infinitely precious, who has burrowed her way so deeply into my heart that we are forever intertwined. What a gift that is, and what a gift to know that God feels that same way about her, multiplied a hundred-fold and more. With that confidence, I can face the world and hopefully equip my daughter to face it, too.

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That sweet face – 4 months

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Eline at 4 months

  • Weighs a little over 12 lbs. and is outgrowing a few of her 0-3 month outfits
  • Smiles a lot more (she stares and grins at lights and brightly-lit windows!), responds enthusiastically to anyone who gets in her face, locks eye contact for extended amounts of time, and loves to be tickled and cuddled
  • Sleeps in her cradle and goes to bed for the night at 10 p.m. (with one last “dream feeding” around 11:30) and sleeps until 6:30 or 7 a.m.
  • Naps in her swing for 30 mins. to 2 hours after every feeding
  • Gets 4 1/2 oz. mixed breast milk/formula six times a day but is inconsistent in finishing the bottle and in the amount she leaks during feedings
  • Tracks objects with her eyes, grabs (and tries to chew!) lightweight toys and blankets
  • Still likes to be swaddled for sleep
  • “Talks” a lot, with a wider range of sounds, and seems to try to imitate sounds we make
  • Has made big improvements in head control and can sit propped up for short periods of time
  • Is still a generally easy-going and happy baby

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Christmas retrospective

Christmas is over and a new year has begun. Every single year, this takes me by surprise. How is it that we have tucked another holiday season under our belts and girded ourselves for 2013? 2013! That still sounds impossibly futuristic to me. I do love the beginning of new years, though. Jon and I rang this one in very quietly, at home on our couch, watching the latest Batman movie on our new Blu-ray player and tuning in to a time-delayed NYC broadcast just in time to see the ball drop and to share a sweet kiss. I’m okay with that start to this year. Quiet, at home with the things that really matter. Maybe next year we’ll dress up and find somewhere exciting to go. But this year, quiet was just right.

It was a good Christmas. We spent a week with Jon’s family in Georgia. Corin spent long hours roaming the cold, wet outdoors with Grandpa, and I enjoyed the freedom to get down on the floor and really soak in Baby Girl. Lina is smiling and cooing like nobody’s business, and it makes me happy. Sometimes I feel as if she might be getting gypped with how divided my attention often is at home. I do make time to cuddle and talk to her, to get down to her eye level and cheer for her tummy time achievements, but often I’m stopping to tickle her for a moment or to get in her face for a quick smile and hello as I pass on my way to put away more laundry or to help big brother with his pants for another potty break. (Ah, potty training, there’s a topic for another day. I’ve said that before, haven’t I?!)

In any case, this Christmas, the riches of family willing to entertain my children meant I got to spend some good one-on-one time with each of them. And then there was the glorious food, the gifts, the holiday movies, the church musical, the telling and re-telling of the Greatest Story until Corin could recite it back to us. (By the way, if you don’t have it, this is now my very favorite kids’ Christmas book.)

We made a stop to see friends in Knoxville for one night on our way home, and then it was New Year’s on the couch and a second Christmas with my family, which was complicated by sickness that has since taken up dwelling at our house. (Croup? Really? I had the clearly mistaken impression that only happened in Anne of Green Gables novels.) But Corin and his cousin still got some good time together to play with new Christmas treasures, and as always, the memories are the very best thing we take from the holidays into the new year.

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Watching Christmas movies with my boy

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That sweet face – 3 months

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Eline at three months

  • Smiles more and responds to us with wiggles and a growing variety of coos
  • Can roll onto her side and is working very hard to roll from back to stomach
  • Tolerates tummy time pretty well
  • Sucks her thumb but gets frustrated with not being able to keep it in her mouth for very long
  • Sleeps at least 6 hours at night
  • Takes 4 – 4 1/2 oz. of mixed formula/breast milk six times a day and generally leaks much less than she had been
  • Hates wet or dirty diapers (I have to remember to check her diaper when she gets fussy, since that was never something Corin minded!)
  • Weighs about 11 lb. and is just over 22 in. long
  • Is getting better at holding her head up but is still a little wobbly
  • Can grip small, light toys for short periods
  • Continues to be a generally happy, content and easy-going baby

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Telling us all about it

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It’s hard to talk about what Lina has brought to our lives without wading deep into sap. But truly, she is a joy. Down syndrome is certainly a part of who Lina is, but it no longer feels as if it defines our reality or determines how we view our girl. When strangers admire my baby, I feel pure pride. Jon and I both find we sometimes forget there is anything different about Lina. Sure, we continue to be confronted with the fact that her muscles are not as strong as many babies, and as a result, her smiles are harder-won. I might feel the occasional stab when I hear parents bragging about their babies’ new accomplishments. But Down syndrome is taking its rightful place as just another small part of our family’s story and of who Lina is. It feels good.

Let the festivities begin

Even with my MIL here as back-up while husband was out of town, it took all week to get our Christmas decorations up. They are scaled back some this year, but they are up, and it makes me happy. It also makes my children happy, which is even better.

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To be clear, the nativity set only stayed like this for a few minutes before the pieces were strewn about the house.

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Photo credit goes to MIL, who got this sleepy early-morning moment on camera.

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I can’t get enough of that soft Christmas light glow in the evenings (which begin very early this time of  year here on the edge of the Central time zone). I notice stores are carrying more LED Christmas lights every year, but I can’t do it. The glow just doesn’t seem to have that same warm quality that to me is more than half the point of Christmas lights. I know it’s not very green of me. (My Christmas cards this year are made from recycled paper. Does that make up for it? No?)

This Wednesday, we took a fun outing to see the Christmas decorations at the Opryland Hotel here in Nashville, and then we took Corin across the street to the mall to ride the little train they have there. The Opryland is quite the local attraction, for those who haven’t been there, especially at Christmastime. I was not sorry to miss the crowds that throng as it gets closer to Christmas.

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Katie (SIL), MIL (also known as Mimi), Lina and Corin on a little boat ride around one area of the hotel

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Someone is learning quickly how to take full advantage of his Mimi’s willingness to fulfill his desires. See the car and the cookie. (And forgive the atrocious haircut. Mommy has decided henceforth to hang up her very dull shears in favor of the professional’s touch. Yikes.)

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Today, we had our third visit with Lina’s early intervention teacher, Holly. We love Holly! She is pretty and kind and so encouraging and helpful. She brings a mother’s perspective, as she has FOUR of her own kiddos. She also has her own personal experience with special needs. We are continuing to work on improving feedings, and Holly has shown us some massage techniques and tricks and positions for encouraging muscle development. I think these visits really are going to become highlights of our weeks.

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Grateful begins and ends here

It’s my favorite time of year. I wanted to get the Christmas tree up today, but this two kids thing means somehow I never get very far into my to-do list. Soon, twinkle lights and garland, soon we shall meet again.

We spent Thanksgiving here in town with my parents and my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and grandmother. My dad’s 60th birthday is also this weekend (sorry, dad, hope you weren’t wanting to keep that under wraps!), so we celebrated that, too.

I could make a long list of things I am thankful for. I could wax eloquent on all the reasons I am so very grateful. There are many. Instead, I’m just going to share pictures of the ultimate reason I am thankful: FAMILY. My grateful truly begins and ends here.

Corin and cousin Benjamin had a blast together.

Monster truck races on Grandma and Grandpa’s back deck

75% was the best we could do for everyone looking reasonable.

My babies

Why yes, that entire stick of butter DID go in the mashed potatoes.

Our first year with a kids’ table

Pretty good lungs for an old man

That sweet face – 2 months

Eline at two months

  • Awake more during the day, sometimes only dozing between feedings but generally napping at least an hour before the next bottle
  • Nighttime sleep varies quite a bit, anywhere from 4 – 7 hours
  • Continues to make more eye contact and notice more of her surroundings
  • Has given just a few precious, full-on smiles but mostly gives her bright-eyed almost-smiles
  • Generally a good-natured baby who only fusses when she needs something (diaper change, sleep, food)
  • Holds her head and sometimes chest up off the floor for 10-15 seconds and lifts her head and torso off mama’s shoulder for short amounts of time
  • Still loves to be held and cuddled, but also loves the swing, which has made mama’s life much easier (Thank you, Jessica, for the loan!)
  • Takes 4 1/2 to 5 oz. of breast milk or half breast milk/half formula six (occasionally seven) times a day, but sometimes goes very slowly (anywhere from 30 to 50 minutes per feeding) and continues to leak quite a bit at every feeding
  • Is terribly GASSY!
  • Has outgrown many of her newborn size clothes and is beginning to wear her 3 month sizes
  • At her pediatrician appointment today, weighed 9 lb. 4 oz. and was 20 1/2 in. long – small (10th percentile) but right on track for her growth curve

You are my sunshine

Already, I can’t imagine life without her.