September 14, 2014 by Jolene

And just like that, two years have passed.

Jon and I lay in bed Friday night reminiscing about the events of two years ago. Remembering Lina’s birth is a complicated experience. Sometimes, I regret that memories of her arrival are mixed with clouds of grief and chaos. We – and I, in particular, as Jon pointed out – faced some very difficult times two years ago. As we reminisced, I asked: “What if we had received a prenatal diagnosis instead of being blindsided at her birth? What if we had given birth in a hospital instead of at home?” But ultimately, I come back to the belief that events worked out for the best. We didn’t spend months worrying about potential health problems that never manifested. I was able to have a natural VBAC rather than a repeat C-section that would have required a longer hospitalization and recovery period. And even with the chaos, we spent those days falling in love with our baby girl and finding our way to bright hopes for a future that looked a bit different than we had expected.

Today, as Lina teeters on the edge of walking and every day finds new words and ways to express herself, grief no longer plays a role. The pride and joy of parenthood is sharpened into something even keener, thrown into sharp relief by its contrast with those early fears and worries. The story of Lina at two is not about Down syndrome; it’s about the awesome little person she is. It’s about how independent, curious, bright, funny and affectionate she is, how watching her smile and laugh makes the world sing. It’s about her arms around my neck and her sweet babbling voice. It’s about hauling her away from the dog bowls and toilet bowls and picking up the paper she shredded and spread around the living room floor. It’s about watching her grow and knowing how well she is doing.

That’s not to say there aren’t unique challenges. We still spend a lot of time driving back and forth to therapy visits. I struggle to be patient with her sensory-related habits of hair pulling and throwing items across the room. Sometimes there is a stab when I see her interact with other kids her age and come face-to-face with her delays.

I used to wonder how to find the right balance between pragmatism and optimism. Did I need to prepare myself for potential pain and disappointment? The answer for me is a resounding, “No.” I have come to believe that our unbounded optimism about her future will be the single most important factor in her success. There will be challenges, no doubt, but we will deal with those as they come. We focus on today, doing our best to equip her for success, celebrating every milestone with everything we have, believing her possibilities are endless.

I will post later about where she is with specific developmental milestones. For now, I just want to say how incredibly lucky we feel to be dazzled every day by our sweet Eline Katherine. Happy birthday, beautiful girl.

A little celebration at church

Post cake, pre nap

September 4, 2014 by Jolene

Labor Day birthdays

We spent Labor Day weekend celebrating birthdays for two pretty awesome kids. My nephew, Benjamin, is turning four, and Lina will be turning two in just a few days. The fact that the exact date is not here yet allows me to ignore this reality a little longer.

We decided on a simple family picnic at a nearby park. Edwin Warner Park in Nashville has quickly become a new favorite, thanks in part to a nature play area where kids can dig in the dirt, make mud with water from the spigots and generally muck it up to their hearts’ content. This thrills Lina’s soul. She finds the nearest puddle, plops down in it and coats herself in mud like it’s her job. Nephew Luke discovered a shared love of mud, and the two of them ended up looking like… Well, you can see for yourself. Meanwhile, Corin and Benjamin embarked on a “paleontologisting” adventure, digging for T-rex bones at the top of the dirt hill. They made up ridiculous names for each other and generally had a great time all weekend.

The menu was easy: sandwiches, macaroni salad, avocado/corn salad, fresh fruit, and banana cream cupcakes and (very soft) ice cream for dessert. The weather forecast had been threatening thunderstorms, but we lucked out and had overcast skies and pleasant temperatures, with just a little sprinkling of rain here and there. We returned home in time to open gifts before my brother and his family had to hit the road back to Chattanooga.

There is something about these kinds of family gatherings that whispers, “Remember this. This is the stuff of life.” The squeals and shouts of little kids, the chaos of big meals, the mess of toys everywhere I look, knots of people deep in conversation, peals of laughter from the next room… This is family. There is nobody perfect here; it’s just a lot of people who love each other, celebrating milestones together and making some awesome memories in the process.

(My thanks to Ryan for taking quite a few of these pictures.)

Ben understandably felt the situation required a little observation first.

To the creek for a bath!

The vanilla pastry cream was delicious on the banana cupcakes, but trying to pipe it from a plastic bag did not make for the prettiest results. I recommend the ice cream scoop method.

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That kid really hates ice cream.

Cake!

Lina’s favorite part was the Tweety Bird card.

Thank you!

The new tire swing sees daily use.

Blowing good-bye kisses

I spy an airplane.

You know it’s been a good visit when you’re totally bummed about saying good-bye.

May 26, 2014 by Jolene

Sun-drenched gratitude

Right now in our kitchen, Jon is churning a batch of roasted strawberry-buttermilk ice cream. (Note: I started this post hours ago. We have since made quite a dent in the finished batch.) It’s a Jeni’s recipe. If you are not in one of the six cities with a Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams, I am sorry. If you are and haven’t been, go. Now. We picked the strawberries fresh this morning at Bottom View Farm. (Actually, everyone else picked the strawberries while I sat in the car with a sleeping Lina.) Fresh picked strawberries are one of the great delights of spring in this area.

It’s been a fantastic weekend, packed with gatherings of friends and family and lots of time outdoors. Jon even took an actual holiday today. This morning started with rain showers but cleared in time for our berry picking, and I had a moment to marvel at sun-drenched fields. It made me feel suddenly sad on this Memorial Day for the way-too-many who didn’t make it back from hideous wars far from home. In my own family, we are missing Uncle Donald, my mom’s brother, who died in Vietnam. I don’t often think about those sacrifices, but today, I am grateful.

March 26, 2014 by Jolene

Happy birthday, Luke – Part II

“Are You My Typeface?”

March 26, 2014 by Jolene

Happy birthday, Luke – Part I

This past weekend was chock-full of celebration. My youngest nephew, Luke, was dedicated at church on Saturday, Corin had a little birthday bash with our Georgia family Saturday night, and we celebrated Luke’s first birthday on Sunday. Nothing beats celebrating milestones with these kiddos.

Trying not to miss a thing is a little tricky when one is also drinking a bottle.

The cupcake eating is getting serious.

“What have I done?!”

Headed to the bath tub

March 19, 2014 by Jolene

Four and flying high

Yesterday afternoon, I sat on the floor of the self-proclaimed largest indoor playground in Nashville and fought back tears.

Anyone watching probably thought I was going through some crisis. I wasn’t. I was looking at the clock and realizing that just about exactly that time four years ago, I was holding my son for the first time.

Corin’s birthday always takes me back to the years of longing that preceded his arrival. I think about the crushing disappointments, the yearning, the physical toll of fertility treatments. Then I look at my son, now four years strong and full of life, and… truly, words fail me. Everything I might say falls short of expressing the overflowing gratitude I feel. He is a walking, talking miracle, that boy of mine.

We had a party Sunday. Planes are Corin’s current obsession, so a planes party it was. My parents were kind enough to host at their house. As usual, I procrastinated and then spent several days working my tail off, but it payed off. Everyone had a great time, and I have the pictures to enjoy (no thanks to my son and his camera aversion).

Special thanks to my friend, Laura Wensell, for taking a lot of these photos.

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I may have forgotten to do the candles and song until Corin’s cake was half eaten…

Like I said, camera averse

February 14, 2014 by Jolene

Happy Valentine’s Day

As indicated by the fact that I am posting to this blog rather than out dining on dainty portions in a hushed atmosphere, we did not have major Valentine’s Day plans. But today was nice. It was busy with housework and the usual parenting minutia, and Jon is sick with round 647 of the Winter of Plague. But it was nice.

For the man in my life and me, this is not a season of high romance and frequent wining and dining. That’s probably one of those things that sounds terrifying to couples without children. See, the romance will die if we have kids. But you know, it’s not like that. It’s more like this:

Which may not make non-parents feel any better. But really, this is where we are, and it’s okay. It’s messy and hectic, and we’re really tired. And yes, we could use a date night. (Which is why we’re planning ahead for my birthday next week – hoo-rah!) But truly, these kids light up our lives. I vaguely remember those Valentine’s Days before kids, and somehow it seems now as if they were missing something. Today, I got to make heart-shaped pancakes for a pre-schooler who raved about how awesome they were and a baby who demonstrated her appreciation by devouring one as fast as possible and then smearing the residual almond butter in her hair. I did laundry and made beds and cooked a very pedestrian dinner of pea soup and cornbread. I dealt with tantrums and wiped butts and generally was nowhere in the neighborhood of romance. But I looked at the love of my life over the cluttered dining room table, and it was enough. Tonight he gave me a lovely necklace and a little card that told me he’s madly in love with me. My card to him said something about being the only Valentine for me through 12 years of the nitty-gritty everyday. You ask me, that’s what true love is.

Not that we won’t be counting down to the night out next week.

January 16, 2014 by Jolene

Nobody’s consolation prize

I was reflecting again recently on how my perspective has evolved since Lina’s birth.

I look at Lina now, and I see a beautiful little girl, growing and learning every day at her own pace, just like every child does. I see a precious individual, a priceless gift to our family. I look back on my pregnancy and her birth, and I no longer feel loss. Instead, I feel only the joy of her. I absolutely cannot imagine having any other baby. She is perfect for us, the child we hoped for and dreamed of for so long. She is in no way less than: not less than any other child, not less than the imaginary child we expected. She is complete and amazing.

I used to read similar thoughts from parents of kids with disabilities. I would nod and think, “That’s so awesome and so true.” But I realize now that deep down, those parents sounded to me like second place contestants trying to be okay with the consolation prize. I thought they were being brave.

I’m ashamed of that truth. And sometimes, I’m ashamed of the grief I felt after Lina’s birth. I know in my head that it was necessary and healthy to grieve the baby I thought I was having and to mourn the more difficult path that lay ahead. I realize that stabs of pain and grief will continue to be a part of life as Lina’s mom. (Pain and grief are probably guaranteed in the life of any mom.) But in some ways, that initial grief feels so out of place now. Why would I grieve this amazing child? I look at her, and I feel pride and joy. Disappointment has no place between us.

This has been my journey. There’s a lot more to travel yet; we’re really just getting started. I am not brave or extraordinary. I am a mom who loves her kids like crazy. And though it no longer feels necessary to say, I’ll state for the record: Lina is nobody’s consolation prize.

January 15, 2014 by Jolene

Christmas 2013, Part II

A Christmas Review Well After the Fact, and in Two Parts
(Part I)

Christmas Eve supper is a long-standing traditional feast in my family, with an offering of gourmet cheeses and crackers, fresh fruit and veggies, and the crowning piece de resistance, my dad’s beyond-amazing, almond-filled Christmas wreath bread. The kids played, we feasted, and it was a lovely evening.

(All the photos in this post are courtesy my brother. Thanks, Ry!)

As is always the case, pretty pictures tell only part of the story. Christmas Day was long for the kids (but certainly not for the adults), dinner was late, and it turned out Grandma Titus was not well (which resulted in most of the rest of us coming down with a thoroughly unpleasant stomach bug within a few days). But our family was together (even if we were trying to keep the kids away from poor great-grandma), the food was fantastic, and there was great delight over wonderfully thoughtful gifts. Ultimately, Christmas for us will always be celebrating the most important gift ever given with the people we love the most. At its core, it’s really that simple – and that deep.

January 15, 2014 by Jolene

Christmas 2013, Part I

A Christmas Review Well After the Fact, and in Two Parts

It took eight ages for a variety of reasons, one of which was the transition to my new computer (a laptop! I can blog from the living room couch!), but finally, I have our Christmas pictures ready for sharing. There are so many of them, in fact, that I have crashed Word Press multiple times trying to fit them into a single post. So, a two-parter it is.

We had an early celebration with Jon’s family the weekend before Christmas, with presents Saturday night and brunch with both sets of parents at the Opryland Hotel Sunday morning.

Christmas Eve supper and most of Christmas Day were spent at my parents’ house with my family, which will be in the next post. But to finish out this one, here is our quiet Christmas morning at home.